"My Story" on Love, Relationships, & God.

*Sighs* This particular post has me a bit nervous. As everyone has their own story, I felt like it would be appropriate to share my story with the world. One because I have overcome what "USE TO BE", two looking back it amazes me to see how I'm no longer in that place anymore (all glory to God), and most importantly to encourage and inspire other females who are going through the same thing now and let you know that through him you can break free! I want to transparent how AWESOME the lord is and how his grace and mercy NEVER fails, even when we dont have our mind set on him! As his children we are always in his hands. I must warn you this may be a lil lengthy but I dont want to miss anything I'm trying to save souls here! So with that being said here it is.

When I first started high school I was so excited about the journey I was getting ready to embark. Though I was being separated from all of my middle school friends I was still super EXCITED! The idea of having a locker, meeting NEW people (especially the BOYS), & the idea of maybe even meeting my "high school sweet heart" had me all over the place. Well having this desire and interest being so important to me outside of just achieving in the class room as I did any how. Through high school no matter the situation I naturally understood that it was my school work before anything else. But being "In Love" was also important to me too. The summer before I started my freshmen year I had found out that my boyfriend of 3 years (all of my middle school years) was cheating on me. Now being that we were together for so long I had built up in my mind that we were surely in love even at 11-14 years old lol. I was devastated I cried for 7 hours straight (non stop) as I blowed his phone up to end our relationship.It took me awhile to get over it until I met my now ex a few months later. Now here is where the real story begins.

I met my ex through myspace (please feel free to judge me lol) he had wrote me and as he still till this day have a way with words swindled me in. I was very vulnerable and still heart broken from my previous relationship, so the sweet talking poetic "different" guy had gotten my attention. We started off as "just friends" that honestly shared stories back & forth through messages on myspace about our day and personal situations. As we exchanged stories that were dear to us and encouraged one another to carry on instilling "hope" into each other, an emotional attachment started to grow. We then became closer as we found out that we had close relationships with people we called family (they were his actual "blood" fam & just someone I grew up calling fam) so BOOM thats how it became more then just a innocent myspace human journal entry and now a love interest. I had yet to see this guy in person & some how I got fuzzy feelings after having just ONE phone conversation. To me this meant he was special. lol. We continued our "friendship"  & became official lovers when we finally seen each other. Surely this guy was "THE ONE". He was just the sweetest and to me EVERY girls dream guy & my potential high school sweet heart. This story has so many red flags written all over it starting from the beginning but I was blinded by what I thought was love and ignored God. Notice how this is my first time mentioning God. At the time I didnt know God, I knew of him and I went to church and attempted to read the bible a few times. I was so busy and fixed on having a Disney story relationship with men,  having one with God hadn't even cross my mind. Any how, my new love had made thoughts of my old love disappear I was so far gone I just knew that God had brought this new guy into my life to reward me for being so true, honest, and faithful in my last relationship. I sound real foolish I know but I was IN  what I thought was LOVE lol. So now we were at least two years into knowing each other and being "in love" we never really made our relationship official until my junior year in high school as I was moving away and he went to college. Did I mention that I was in LOVE? lol. Having a long distance relationship was something I always went against let alone being with someone who was in college. But he assured me that I had his heart and blah blah blah blah. I felled for it & I felled hard. With that being said you can just imagine the events that occurred. Honestly I knew that he was going to cheat, lie, and pretty much make a fool of me but I just didn't care I LOOOVVVEEDDD HIM. All of my friends hated him, but accepted him because of how much I cared for him. I was warned on plenty occasions just to let it go but I insisted on making it work. Yes, I was this far gone even without having soul ties!!! After he confessed to me on Valentine day that he had cheated on me with his ex, and a few girls at school I still stayed with him. In my mind I was thinking he did respect me enough to tell me the truth so I'll stick with him. It ate me up inside so of course I gave him a hard time and enjoyed him kissing my butt eventually I gave in and started being super girlfriend AGAIN! Things got WORSE, at this point I had started spending more and more time with God. I mean no one around me understood what I was going through. My friends were over hearing the same stories and me saying that I was done only to wind up back with him. I would pray to God saying that if he wasn't for me just show me , or better yet remove him from my life. I honestly was afraid of where my life was headed. I had a boyfriend who I was "in love" with and things weren't balancing out on his end. His drinking increased, the once sweet, heart felt poems he wrote started to turn into demonic and scary scripts and he confused me with his faith. It became clear to me that he was not the same guy I had met years ago and it frighten me because emotionally I was stuck with him. I prayed and prayed to God that he would just show me a sign. I prayed over his soul crying asking God to release him from what was attacking him because through him they were attacking me (I didn't know that then, but looking back I humbly bow at praise God for keeping me). Then one day he just called it off. He told me how he think its best that we werent together anymore because he was tired of hurting me and he wasn't going to stop living the life he was living. I was HURT! & I promise God revealed himself to me in the hour. While our break up didn't consist of the WHY's, instead it turned into a attack on my belief and relationship with God!(RED FLAG 500000). Thats when I knew that what I once thought was for me really wasn't.

Now at this point you'd think that was the end but it wasn't....

The Crazy things We Do For LOVE (like Sammie says) lol

We were broken up but certainly not over each other. There was no title and we would talk occasionally I would let him know that I was praying from him and that I would always be there for him regardless. We even talked about often on how we would one day get back together once he got his self together to be the man I deserve. But once again he FAILED ME! Days after we had one of our many conversations about getting back together one day and how much he loved and was thankful for me he dropped a BOMB on me. He had gotten a NEW girlfriend. I was in complete disbelief. I was hurt because once AGAIN he revealed to me another piece of who he truly was. I didn't want it to be true. He kept insisted that we just be friends and I was NOT trying to hear it. I wanted him to LEAVE ME ALONE! I had truly had ENOUGH. I prayed for direction. I prayed that I didn't become bitter, and that God would soften my heart because I didn't want to have hate in it. It wasn't long before I just accepted the fact and friends we became. I respected what he had going on and he would constantly remind me how his new girl reminded him so much of me. We talked less and less and I was fine with that. He help me break away from him emotionally. It eventually got to the point where we stopped talking all over and I ran to God with my pain crying my eyes out asking him to remove every "feeling" I had away from me. I cried praying that God would just shed his mercy on me. One night I told God I needed him RIGHT THEN! I needed him to show up right then and SAVE ME! I was so lost. I didn't know what or who to believe in. I was a hot mess! I realized how far apart from God I really was and my soul cried out for him. He showed up. In the mist of my tears he sent an angel to speak to me (D.Riley). He called me and the first thing he said was "Are you crying? It better not be because of this dude" I cried even harder lol. My homeboy spoke to me so hard and firm that night I gained so much respect for "tough love" he shed light on the truth. Each word that was spoken to me hurt and healed me at the same time. I was confident that I wasn't going to turn back...... God and I became closer then we ever were before. The Game really got turned up then.

THE ENEMY!!! (John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy)
I WENT BACK. After he claimed she had hurt him he came back kissing my butt begging and pleading. I denied him I just couldn't. Then he started talking about God. I talked about God more then ever at this point. I thought God really answered my prayers, what I didn't realize was that the devil also heard me. He had assured me all ties with his ex where down and repeatedly told me she just wasn't for him. Since I always believed we were meant to be together I believed him and felt he had finally come to his senses.WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! So we started dating again for like two months and I was getting ready to graduate high school. Things were so close to perfect and then just like that, it was the SAME crap all over again. But this time the news he would truthfully confess to me was the FINAL STRAW. He had gotten his ex pregnant while we were together. I didn't cry. I ran straight to God as my body became completely numb. He had disappointed me and hurt me so much in the past as big of a deal it should have been to me it wasn't. This was my way out!

MY SUPERMAN!!!!

I explained in detailed all of this not to get be called dumb, get attention, or sympathy votes. I look back and I surrender and cry out to God for keeping me. While most may read this and take this in account as something to judge me off of, I am saying I AM FREE! This experience was far deeper then just playing victim or whatever. What I went through was a true spiritual warfare! God was trying to get my attention. I was so busy on trying to make things work with someone who was not meant for me from the beginning even though I thought he was. When its all said and done if your focus is not on GOD IT WILL NEVER WORK! It can't be just one sided. We get so caught up in trying to please and save others when we are a hot mess and need to be saved ourselves from SELF DESTRUCTION! I don't have hatred in my heart for my ex because of the things he did to me, not a happy ending for US but the darkness that came with US led me to the light of MY EVERYTHING JESUS! I really understand those were all thing I ALLOWED him to do, and in no form will I ever BASH or play the BLAME game using his name. I gave him that power over me to manipulated me, and I'm not afraid to admit that. That is the first step to becoming FREE! ADMITTING! I use to be ashamed and embarrassed of my story because I felt so STUPID! I should have! I ignored, and disobeyed God and the things he was telling me. I would have dreams about my ex stabbing me in the stomach, having a baby, embarrassing and abandoning me. I ignored all of that figuring that they were "just dreams." I realize how so much more could have went wrong and if it was not for God shedding his light on me there is no telling where I would be. I learned that my focus and attention should be on God and him alone! I become overwhelmed with the fact even out of all that I could have been spiritually dead for the rest of my life! People go through relationship issues and give up on life and God! Missing the concept that we try and make what we want for our lives work and then blame God for it not working out later. God sends us red flags from the beginning we just ignore him. Understand God is not going to give you someone when your relationship with him isn't right. PRIORITIES! He rewards us when we have served him as we should EVERY DAY of our lives. God concern is not based on sending us mate for our on selfish reasons. When God gave his ONLY begotten son JESUS he was selfless in making the decision (John 3:16). So we should be the same as we submit ourselves to him daily not just because we want something back in return. God broke me ALL the way down just so that I could look up to see his glory and *tears* I am so head over heels for him because of that. He really broke my heart with what broke his! Also as my relationship with God grew the enemy also became aware and attack me too. GAME REALLY DO RECOGNIZE GAME! It is the battle of the spirits. Please I beg you stop everything you have going on in your life and put God FIRST! If what you are holding on to is becoming more of a stumbling block verses helping you grow ask God to give you the strength to let it go! YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A PERSON ONLY GOD CAN! So stop stressing yourself and become FREE! Take all of your pain, sorrow, hurt, guilt, sin whatever it is to the lord. Let him heal your broken heart, let him cast away those soul ties, let him take all of your worry away! GIVE HIM A CHANCE just like you gave them a chance! As I always say when we focus on HIM like we do THEM WE ALWAYS WIN! So I encourage you to come on the winning team! #TeamJesus. Remeber that God whats you whole heart not just a piece of it. His delay is not a denial!!!!!! And if you have never witness Gods love, then you have NEVER been in love because GOD IS LOVE!! Don't be deceived!!

God Love Love Loves You!
(and so do I)

-Your Sister in Christ

P.S I pray that me being transparent and sharing a good amount of my story really has everyone whose eyes that are reading this anxiously ready to go to God and rest in him. I am praying for you. & if there is any questions please don't hesitate to ask me.

Jewels

I started writing this about 3 years ago and I changed the direction of it about three times. I havent wrote in about 2 years now. A friend of mine just reminded me and it just hit me that I have abandoned my "Baby" lol I've birth Jewels and kinda just left her hanging. Anyhow this is completely fiction and even at 16 years old I wanted to write a book that would touch the souls of young girls and boys all over the world. I pray to God that before this is all over that he guides me to complete Jewels and make this thing happen! So here it is (Please excuse the grammar errors a hot mess I know lol but I don't feel like going over and fixing I just copied and paste from my flash drive). Hope you all enjoy.

 Jewels

Chapter 1: Jewel
What do you think about at night, when you close your eyes what do you see, what do you feel all at once when darkness fall? Do you have a song to sang because when you lay and close your eyes you know that there is someone who loves you? That's what you feel all at once when your love one comforts you repeating that everything will soon be ok? To bad that doesn't happen for all of us, instead of feeling love having hate running through my body embarrassed with what I see. Never knowing what it's like to be loved how could you not hate everything and everybody who crosses your path? My mother didn't care for anything but her favorite white substance , and other then abusing us physically and emotionally nothing stopped her from getting to her pipe. My father, never knew him and sometimes I wish that he would come look for me and save me from this harsh cruel life of mine. You know like those father on the T.V show's ? At night having thoughts about where the next meal will come from, how will i feed my 2 brothers and 5 sisters. When I close my eyes I see the man who was on top of me hours ago releasing himself inside of me, while i lay there and think about what i'll do with the money I will recieve after this daily routine is over. Sometimes I feel i'll be better off dead then alive, but enough of my complaining my next customer has arrived. Dont you dare judge me I have mouths to feed who else going to do it if I don't?



Jewel a precious stone regarded with special affection, a person who is brilliant and precious. It's funny that's the meaning of my name if having different type of men all ages on top of my 14 year old body fulfilling their own sick disieres I don't want to be handle with special affection. If brilliant means being in the 8th grade reading at a 5th grade level , then that will be me but I'm smart enough to know that it doesn't. My mother couldn't do anything right she could have at least picked a name to fit a bastard child like me. I have seen and done a lot of things at my age so i always consider myself grown. Who could tell me different until they have walked a day in my shoe's then they could label me.


Chapter 2

"CHASE"

STOP ! NO! Help ! As i sit here chanting these words over and over in my head while silenting praying that the torture I keep hearing outside my bedroom door just stop. The day my mother met Dre she lost focus. Not only in her dreams but In Journey and I, before him she made sure she came to every game I had and every dance recital for Journey and months into meeting Dre the mom we once knew, was lost. I remember when my sister Journey was first born she use to always enforce the we are all we got so it'll always be "do or die" and when it came to my sister and her "DO OR DIE" it was. Our father past when I was 8 and shortly after Journey was born due to tragic car crash instantly killing him on the spot. Life was perfect when dad was alive him and my mom always made time and showed us a lot of love unlike most of my friends parents due to their mom being a single parent and always working to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads. Now a few years later my sister and I are in the same boat as them. Tonight I made up my mind that it was going to be final night, I could no longer tolerate hearing the ass beatings of my lovely mother, the fear in my sisters eye's , and the hatred growing in my heart. At this moment I vow to not ever put my kids in this type of situation , and most of all put my hands on my wife. I'm getting Journey and I out of this hell hole soon, real soon I would kill for my sister remembering we all we got tonight I decided it's truly "DO OR DIE"

Lets Talk About Sex.... Baby? Part 1

Let me first start off by saying that I am in no way trying to judge or look down upon anyone. However, I do hope that after reading this post something sparks up in you to pack your things and leave if you aren't sleeping next to you HUSBAND/WIFE, and if you are planning on taking that "trip" you change your plans. As your sister in Christ I love you unconditionally rather we have ever met or not believe it or not I REALLY DO. I want the absolute BEST for you, while the rest of the world is "sleeping on you."

As I said in my previous post God wants your WHOLE heart, and not just a piece of it. There is no way possible that he can do such if you're engaging in sexual activities. What happens is sex clouds your judgment, please OVERstand that you don't just have sex with a body, you have sex with a SOUL. Listen, I dont know about you all, but my SOUL is something only God and myself has control over. In no fashion do I want my soul to be placed in the presence of someone UNGODLY. Which if you are having sex before marriage, just because he/she goes to church doesn't qualify them as righteous. There MUST be a close and personal relationship with Christ, and that relationship grows by doing things according to his will. Now back to what I was saying, your soul creates SOUL-TIES when you have sex with a person. This meaning that everything that is apart of them becomes apart of you.

Now watch this for those of you who I may have lost....

SOUL TIES:
EVERYTHING that is apart of them becomes apart of you! Meaning that their spirits, demons, baggage, depression, trash, etc is now apart of you (as if you dont have your own crap to worry about). But wait not to mention if you aren't the only sex partner they have had now their other sex partner crap is apart of you too. 


This is the point I am trying to make. Sex DAMAGES people. I mean its your soul you're gambling with. We've always been taught that sex is a "BAD" thing to do outside of marriage but never really why. The most common reasoning  that I can remember why not to have sex is because you can get pregnant. Now in our days its you can either get pregnant and/or catch a STD and which some STD's do not have a cure. But it is so much deeper then that. Sex before marriage blocks your growth and development as a person and most importantly your relationship with Christ. This is also why it is important that PARENTS, AND CHURCHES talk about sex and get into depth why not to have it before marriage. You can't say just dont do it, and not explain why. TALK ABOUT IT! 

SAVING YOUR SELF:

Ladies: It is impossible for you to have sex with a guy and not become emotionally attached. Hopping from guy to guy searching for love with the exchange of sex is not helping you its hurting you! To these guys you're more then likely another piece of "meat" he's going to put on his list & brag to his boys about. Your value is way more expensive then that.  If you really want someone to love you unconditional go to Christ. His love will shut out every fake, illusion, and fairy love affair you've ever encountered. His love is so REAL you will NEVER EVER go back to just "settling". If a guy really loves you he himself will "wait" for you because a TRUE MAN of God will be saving himself for you too. Don't let your friends gas you up just because they're doing it either. Nine times out of ten, after the many intercourse's homegirl & homeboy had I bet they aren't together & he's more than likely cheating on her. So all that talk about "If you dont do it someone else will" OH WELL LET THEM DO IT, or "Closed legs don't get feed" well hunger & security has NEVER been an issue for me my daddy (Jesus) ALWAYS makes sure I'm straight closed legs & all. :) You don't want to give any guy the luxury that a HUSBAND deserves. That is someone who has paid the price for you, & vowed to commit himself to GOD 1ST and then You. No boo, bae, or as our big sister in Christ Heather Lindsey says some "Random" doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. Become whole in Christ first, he'll then send you someone who he feels is the best fit for you & that will also compliment him as a unit to do his work.

Males: Stop playing games & step up and be a LEADER! Just because girls are throwing it at you doesn't mean you go and take it. That will eliminate the private phone calls, random pop ups, and other crazy drama including females that you don't need in your life. That in itself is a DISTRACTION to keep you from focusing on God and what he has planned for you. There is nothing more attractive then a GOD FEARING MAN! A MAN who is living his life for Christ, and being the HEAD he was intended to be. Any man outside of God Fearing is either a chump, coward, and  manipulator. This means he has the title of a "Thug", "Player", "Dog" and so on. Neither of those roles should any male take pride in playing. Though society has made it acceptable ITS REALLY NOT! Society has made "sissys" out of who is suppose to be a protector and provider due to him falling under lustful spirits. Dont let the spirit of lust "PLAY YOU" while you're playing others. Take control and get into place with God!

I can go on and on about this topic so watch out for part 2. But in the mean time remember this "Bad judgment and Sex is a DANGEROUS combination." A moment of some sex is not worth the LIFETIME consequences that follows it.

God LOVE, LOVE, LOVES YOU,
(and so do I)

-Your Sister in Christ (ZW)

Lets Just Be Real

If you were to die today would God really be pleased with the way you lived your life? No seriously ask yourself this question and ponder on it. God wants your whole heart, not just half, or a piece of it. With all of the spiritual warfare that’s taking place God really needs his soldiers to be front line covered in the armor of his blood & standing on his word. This thing is serious! The regular “I’m a Christian” & “I go to church” or even worse “I was raised in the church” isn’t going to fly by with God if there is no RELATIONSHIP. He does so much for his children and yet instead of focusing on him, relationships, friendships, jobs, materialistic values and a host of “stuff” keeps them from  hearing God when he speaks to them. Its crazy how people complain about how they are always there for other people, but when they need someone to look out for them no one is ever available.

Yet they do the EXACT same thing to God. You put so much trust into people, and ignore the fact that when you pick up the phone to call someone to talk about your issues, or problems and when they don’t answer you become furthermore upset. Totally ignoring Gods sign of him saying “Hey son/daughter talk to me daddies here.” Next thing you know your daily tweet & FB status is “I got trust issues.“ Well sorry to say but that’s ALL on you. Don’t blame anyone else about you having more issues before then you initially had when you called someone else (who is more then likely broken too) to vent about because you were the one being disobedient. God doesn’t deserve this type of treatment. You  pray to God asking him for the truth, and in all actuality the truth is never far away because the truth is his WORD (which should be in your heart). We always focus on what God can do for us, and never about what he can do through and in us. Knowing Gods word, and living our life only for Christ, through our actions, and choices God would do way more for us then we even wanted for ourselves. When being disobedient you  block your own blessings. When you limit God you limit yourself. Jeremiah 29:11 the Lord says “For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” God tells you HIMSELF that he just wants the BEST for you. You don’t have to hear anyone else tell you what  they think, or go to a church searching for God to talk to you through someone else. He DIRECTLY tells you through his word. The word also says in Psalms 23 “The Lord is my shepherd I SHALL NOT WANT.”  There is nothing that you ever have to long for as long as you’re playing on the Kings team (The WINNING TEAM). So if you haven’t already, give yourself COMPLETELY to Christ. Don’t cheat yourself any further of really LIVING LIFE and that is living your life for Christ. You want to be in love? Fall in love with Christ, I promise you it is the SWEETEST feeling on earth. Being COMPLETELY in love with Christ has changed my life. Getting rid of certain people, and things that you  know aren’t any good for you or keeping you away from him just ask him he will help you LET IT GO! I’m praying for you. I pray that this post will reach those who really needed this push, and reassurance. Also remember that Gods DELAY is not a DENIAL!

God LOVE LOVE LOVES YOU,
(& so do I)
-Your Sister in Christ (ZW)